I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
