I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Randomize
