This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
