He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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