He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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