I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
