I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Randomize
