My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
