One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
