I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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