just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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