Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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