I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
