I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
