I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
