Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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