He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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