you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
My vagina is very pro this idea
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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