You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
