Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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