you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I pour the whiskey from now on
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
