in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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