you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
