Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
