Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
