your parents love me but you hate me
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
