someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
