Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
