Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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