I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Randomize
