one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
