Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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