I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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