I met the friendliest cop last night
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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