So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
