i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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