My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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