there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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