It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I skipped work to stalk him.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
