before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
