i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
