So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
