I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
