Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
