In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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