I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
