rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This is my gift to your gina
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
