i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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