i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
