I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
