Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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