I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Randomize
