why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
