I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
