its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
