stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
